Vancha & Larten Learn to Read
by Dead L E
Summary: Vancha is bored and decides to learn to read. Larten joins him, can 200-300 year old vampires learn to read? Please R&R!
1. Bored

**Bored**

**Chapter 1: in which Vancha is bored and Darren gets an idea**

"Darren! I'm so boooored," shouted Vancha as he walked into Darren's room at 11 o'clock at night.

"Why are you waking me up so early?" mumbled a sleepy Darren from his coffin. He used to hate sleeping in a coffin, but now that he was a full vampire, it was one of the only things he could do to keep the harmful sun out of his eyes and off his skin.

"It's not early!" protested Vancha, "The sun went down ages ago!"

"Whatever," said Darren as he stumbled out of his coffin and into the bathroom. He needed to shave, after the final purge he finally looked like a young eighteen year old man with the facial hair to go with it. Thankfully, Mr Crepsley had lent him his own specialized Vampire razor.

"Why am I here anyway?" whined Vancha, "I don't mind living so why did you guys drag me here with you?" Darren finished shaving and answered:

-First off, you are not dead and secondly, you were very happy when you got here, so why get mad now?

-Because, pea-brain, I'm bored. Could you please try explaining how we got here again? I don't think I got it the first time.

-Fine. When I died, Evanna brought me back to life so that Desmond could turn me into a Little Person then save myself from becoming a vampire. Once I did that, I lied down on the theatre roof and died. But when I died, something strange happened. My mind sort of connected with the Darren of the future, I was thirty years old and I had just received a bunch of diaries in the mail. I was sure it was a hoax but I made it into a book series anyway. After I arrived in paradise, my mind was still connected to the Future Darren, so I sent him telepathic messages; I wanted to live again, as a proper vampire! He agreed to help me and started writing a series called the Demonata. At first I didn't understand, but then I got it, he was going to explain the origins of the universe! He was recreating god, our god! His theory was, if everything he wrote came true, then why not the Demonata? As soon as he finished the series I contacted the Kah-Gash and asked them to create a parallel earth.

-Wait a second, Darren, what's the Kah-Gash? And what does parallel mean?

-It means two things that might be similar or go in the same direction but never touch and the Kah-Gash is the force that holds the universe together. It consists of three humans: Bec, Grubbs and Kernel.

-No vampires?

-No! Now can I finish?

-Okay, okay, fine…

-So they created a parallel earth and transported me there with Larten away from paradise. End of story.

-What about me?

-I asked the Kah Gash to bring you, Debbie and Harkat, plus a few others, happy now?

-Yes, there's only one more thing.

-What?

-How come we have humans to drink from?

-The Kah-Gash also created a bunch of humans and vampires to live with.

Vancha smiled, "That was very thoughtful of you Darren, but now, I'm bored." There was a loud crashing sound and Darren jumped up. Larten opened the door cursing violently and massaging his scalp. Vancha heard a few words such as "flitting", "stupid door" and something about a nasty headache. Larten staggered in and slumped on a chair.

"I happened to overhear your conversation and Vancha is right. We _should _have something other to do than drink blood and ale all night!" he exclaimed angrily.

"That's not true! We could work at Cirque du Freak," retorted Darren.

"Yes, but without Madame Octa, there is not much point," answered Mr Crepsley.

"I have an idea!" exclaimed Darren, "but you're not going to like it."

"What is it?!" cried Larten and Vancha at the same time.

"You could try reading books," said Darren, a triumphant grin on his face.

"That's silly, I can't read!" retorted Vancha.

"Well, now is the time learn, right?" laughed Darren.


	2. Meet Mrs Skittles

**I always wanted to write a story about Larten learning to read, ever since book 9... The one where he died (I actually put down the book at that point...) Anyway, Merry Late Christmas and Happy Reading!**

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><p><strong>Meet Mrs Skittle<strong>

"Don't be silly, Darren," Vancha sat down on the ground in front of Darren, grimacing because of the carpet, "I'm three hundred years old!"

"As I said, now's the time to learn," retorted Darren, "Besides, I can't think of anything better to do, can you?" Vancha refused to answer, knowing that Darren was completely right.

"That is all very well, but who is going to teach us? No one gives adult reading lessons in the middle of the night..." tried Larten, secretly unsure whether or not he wanted to learn. They all sat down (except for Vancha, who was already sitting) and thought about it.

"I know!" yelled Vancha loudly.

"What?" asked Darren, surprised that Vancha was making an effort.

"Let's ask the Kah-Gash to bring Evanna back so I can raise a family with her!" answered Vancha with the same sad smile he had whenever he thought of his children, on the other side of the universe. Darren shook his head sadly, he hadn't brought the vampaneze back with him, and Vancha missed his brother and Evanna.

"Look, Vancha, I couldn't bring Evanna here, because there are still some vampires and vampaneze fighting the war on the original Earth. They need her help, especially her twins' help!" exclaimed Darren angrily, "I can't just bring her here and forget about the others!"

"Did anyone say my name?" called out an angry voice coming from behing Vancha.

"Vancha! Look behind you! It is Evanna!" cried Mr Crepsley.

" I knew that!" retorted Vancha, turning around and hugging his mate.

"So... I hear you want to learn how to read?" asked Evanna over the noise, although it was more of a statement than an actual question.

"How did you get here? Is Desmond Tiny... our dad... with you? Where are your twins? Is Gannen here? Are all the vampaneze with you?" exploded Darren.

"The answer is no to all of your questions except for the first, and as for that one... let's just say that I'm pretty fast when I flit!" laughed Evanna, "So, Vancha, you want to learn how to read?"

"Yes," mumbled Vancha.

"I would hope so, too!" cried Evanna, "I wanted you to learn when you were little, but just spat on the paper and ran off to roll around in the mud! You were an impossible little boy," Vancha's cheeks went bright red (yes! even redder than normal!). "Anyway, I found the perfect teacher for you!"

"Yes! Finally I can watch a film with the subtitles on without one of them asking me what those symbols are!" muttered Darren under his breath.

"What was that?" asked Larten, knowing exactly what Darren had said.

"Oh, nothing..." retorted Darren, smiling. Larten frowned, but he was smiling inside, when he was a little boy he had always dreamed of becoming a posh gentleman, but posh gentlemen had to know how to read. Finally! He could look like those smart men who read large newspapers written in small print on the train! Vancha burped, trying to look as if he didn't have a care in the world, but he was worried. He wasn't about to tell the love of his life that he hated the idea of being stuck in a room for hours on end, learning something which he considered useless.

Evanna interrupted their thoughts by saying,

"Oh, look! Here she comes now!" Then, suddenly, lightning struck and the door creaked. light flooded the room and the vampires jumped in surprise. An old lady with over ten wrinkles per square centimeter appeared. Saying that she looked old was putting it lightly, she was ancient! Vancha wouldn't have been surprised if it turned out she was old enough to be his mother! Her pale blue eyes looked as if the were hidden under piles of wrinkles dripping down from her forehead. She smiled and her rotten teeth peeked through her lip less mouth.

"Hello, my name is Mrs Skittles, but you can call me Dora. Now, who are my lucky students?" she asked sweetly but only managed to make Darren shudder in relief. Larten's dreams turned to ashes and Vancha tried to resist the urge to impale himself with a large stake.

"I think you'll find that these two gentlemen would be glad if you could instruct them," smiled Evanna as she watched the fear in Vancha and Larten's eyes.

"Well then, let's go," replied Mrs Skittles.

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><p><strong>Okay, so Larten and Vancha now have the oldest teacher in the universe! She's probably not much older than Larten though... I felt I had to give them a teacher like that because I always get so jealous of Larten and Vancha never reading!<strong>


	3. The Letter V

**Wow! 2 updates in one day! I must be very bored... **

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><p><strong>Learning the letter V<strong>

"Sit down boys!" shrieked Mrs Skittle angrily. "And stop fighting, you're acting like animals!" Vancha smiled and stopped hitting Larten; they had got into an argument a few hours earlier about Larten stealing Vancha's shurikens whilst he was sleeping under a bush. "Today we are going to learn the letter V!" yelled Mrs Skittle as if it were a room full of three year olds and not with only two adults. Mrs Skittle drew two large lines on the board, and then made the lines hit each other at the bottom. "The letter 'V', makes a vvvv sound, as in Vancha!" screamed Mrs Skittles. Larten was surprised; he thought that 'vee' made a 'vee' sound! Vancha woke up and looked around to see the person who had said his name.

"Yes, Mrs Skittle? You yelled my name?" said Vancha sleepily.

"Did you hear what I just said, Vancha?" asked Mrs Skittle, getting irritated. Larten tried to copy the picture in his book, but it looked a mess. The lines were all wiggly and he'd drawn it so large that it filled the whole page.

"You were talking about…" Vancha glanced over to the board, "Triangles?" he guessed.

"No, Vancha, you are wrong, we were talking about the letter 'Vee' it makes a vvvv sound as in Vancha!" smirked Larten, happy that he had memorised Mrs Skittle's words carefully.

"Oh! That's interesting! You were talking about me," smiled Vancha smugly. He spat some green phlegm at Mrs Skittle as she turned around to look at the board.

"Yes. I suppose so. It depends on your point of view," answered Mr Crepsley. Mrs Skittle walked up to Vancha and took a tissue out of her bag, she wiped her neck and showed him the tissue.

"Is this your idea of a sick joke? Spitting is a dirty habit, Vancha. You should know better," she said angrily, "and you stink, have a bath this evening, will you? Or I shall have to ban you from my classes." Vancha gave her a dirty look, he hated the class, but he wanted to leave of his own accord, not by being banned! Mrs Skittle walked up to Larten and peered down at his notebook through the thick lenses of her glasses:

"I think you're not holding the pencil right, Larten," she had said loudly enough for human ears, but to Larten it sounded so deafening that the walls seemed to shake. He still managed to get the last bit. She had called him Larten! He was alright with other fellow vampires calling him that, but he hardly knew her! He didn't call her Dora so he didn't see why she called him Larten

"Please call me Mr Crepsley," asked Larten. Mrs Skittle looked confused:

"I will, but it is rare for me to call my students by their last names. Now, do you want to hold your pen correctly or not?"

After hours of squabbling and Mrs Skittles trying to explain to Vancha that his pen wasn't like a weapon and that you couldn't use your hands instead, they started to settle down. Vancha and Larten settled down to write their Vs as neatly as they could along the lines of their books. Just as they were finishing their lines the clock struck seven in the morning.

"Oops, my mistake," smiled Mrs Skittle cheerfully, "I forgot the time, the lesson should have ended an hour ago! Oh, well. Bye!" She turned to leave. Vancha got up and cursed violently.

"We had to stay an hour longer than we should've done! I hate learning this!" he shouted angrily. Larten had never seen Vancha so angry,

"What's wrong with that? Let's just go home, I'm tired."

"You don't understand! We've barely got five minutes before the sun comes in and we're doomed! There are no curtains." retorted Vancha

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><p><strong>Ouch! Sadly, I have found the ultimate threat. I shall not write another chapter unless KBerry updates at least two of her stories. Or unless Vampanezegirl97 puts me in "Slumber Party Fun" AND "Who's to blame". Pretty please?<strong>


	4. Escape

**I got a bit off topic in this chapter... But I had to add something to spice things up a little! They don't really learn to read in this chapter...**

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><p><strong>Escape!<strong>

"How far are we from home again?" asked Larten, already imagining the deadly rays of sunlight creeping through the window.

"Only half an hour if we flit, why did you ask?" answered Vancha.

"Why can we not flit then?" inquired Larten confused.

"Well… It's not so much _getting _there… See, I happen to have misplaced the keys of the house… and…" Vancha trailed off, looking miserable.

"There is no point in asking Darren. He has a date the whole of today with Debbie. I wish I had accepted his gift of a… err, what was it called again?" asked Larten.

"An IPhone,"

"Yes, well, I suppose we are going to have to climb over the hedge and get in through the back door," announced Larten.

Larten and Vancha ran out of the building, gathering up flitting speed. They ran as fast as they could and tried to dodge the cars and trees in their way. After about fifteen minutes Larten panted, "I am thirsty, let us stop by a tree and have a drink!"

"Do you have any blood on you?" asked Vancha.

"Yes," replied Larten and they sat down for five minutes, but twenty minutes in the sunlight had made their skin bright red. In the shadows, hidden by special camouflage, was a young vampaneze slayer, speaking to his boss:

_"Are you sure they're vampaneze?" _asked his boss.

"They're bright red at twenty past seven in the morning! Of course I'm sure!" retorted the young slayer.

_"Alright then! You know what to do."_

The slayer walked up to the drinking pair of vampire, "That's odd," he thought, "They're drinking from bottles!" But he didn't take too much notice of that and opened his bag. In his bag there were several things, a bottle of red poison, very efficient for exchanging with bottles of blood. A state of the art "burner" those were machines that you put inside the victim's coffin, after about half an hour or so the "burner" sent UV waves strong enough to kill a vampaneze within a minute. At the bottom of his bag, he found what he was looking for: an aerosol can, it was full of sleeping gas, but the gas had been specially modified so it only worked on vampires and vampaneze.

The slayer, Vincent, sprayed Larten and Vancha, then, picking up his walkie-talkie, he called for backup. The backup arrived and picked up the bodies.

After a few hours, Larten woke up. He was lying in a room with steel walls. There was a large window, but no matter how many times Larten hit it, the window wouldn't break. The ceiling was too high and the ground was made of thick metal too. The door seemed to be sealed shut. Larten banged on the windows and the wall, but nothing happened. Larten winced, his shirt had been removed and his skin was splitting. He didn't mind about the shirt that much, at least he had his lovely red shoes. KBerry's top wasn't really Larten's style.

Suddenly, he heard the sound of a combination lock being opened on the other side of the door. A young lady came in.

"Omigodimsosorry!" she cried and pulled Larten through the door and into the corridor.

What is happening?" asked Larten confused. The lady bit her lip. She handed him his shirt.

"Well... I'm really sorry... but we thought you were vampaneze..." she trailed off miserably. Larten would have laughed if the mistake hadn't been so bad. "We realised our mistake, because no vampaneze would wear something saying 'I hate Steve Leonard'."

"What is this place?" demanded Larten.

"The SV headquarters, Slaying the Vampaneze," smiled the lady.

"So you do not have anything against vampires?"

"No, besides, if we had something against vampires we'd have killed you."

"Ah. Do you know where Vancha is?"

"Your friend? Yes, he was immune to the gas we gave you and stole our van. Don't worry, the van's windows have UV proof windows, although I doubt that he's going to need them, he's probably going to flit!"

"Why do you have UV proof windows? You are human, you hardly need those."

"We also work as a hospital service for vampirates. We also carry blood around to support vampires in the War of Scars."

"The War of Scars? But that is impossible!"

"Why's that?"

"It does not matter now... could you drive me home? I am afraid that I might get sunstroke if I stay out too long."

"Of course, my name's Diana by the way," Diana walked towards another door and Larten followed. The vans were a bit of a surprise. They had spare coffins in the back and the windows could be darkened. Larten was tired, so he lay down in a coffin and tried to sleep. He didn't manage to and arrived at home fairly soon.

As soon as he arrived, he knocked on the door and Vancha opened it.

"Hey, I found the keys! They were on the table the whole time!" laughed Vancha, "Why do you look so worried, is it the shirt? I know it looks bad but the shoes are really nice!" joked Vancha "Cheer up, it was only an hour, you couldn't have _died_!"

"You have no idea..." sighed Larten, "Where is Darren? I have some very important news for him!"

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><p><strong>Yes KBerry! Larten hates your t-shirt. But on the plus side, it <em>did<em> save his life, so it can't be that bad! He likes my shoes more though... Please vote for me in the poll on Vampanezegirl97's profile, the link is on my profile. I would really appreciate it! Thanks!**


	5. Vampaneze and the Letter A

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Vampaneze and the Letter A<strong>

"Go to sleep Larten, stop worrying!" mumbled Vancha, disturbed by Larten's constant turning in his coffin.

"How can you tell me to stop worrying? When I have every reason to worry! The vampaneze should not be here," fumed Larten.

"Just go to sleep; it's midday!" shouted Vancha. He was sleeping on a rock he'd brought inside, because Darren had decided to wash his cloak (despite all his protests) and he couldn't sleep without something to protect him from the sun.

"I will not sleep until Darren arrives."

"Then we're going to have to wait a long time," sighed Vancha, looking up to the ceiling, already missing his animal skin cloak, "He said he'd be back in the evening."

"Then I shall wait until the evening."

Despite all his protests, Larten dosed off within an hour, and was surprised when he found himself woken up by a doorbell. "I am coming," he said to no one in particular as he fumbled around, looking for his cloak. He fond his cloak and put it on. He straightened up and walked towards the door. He hesitated, what if it was the vampaneze? Larten smiled, he was being silly, the vampaneze wouldn't just _knock_.

"Hurry up! I'm burning out here!" shouted a muffled voice quite like Darren's outside the door, "Being a full vampire is terrible during the day!" Mr Crepsley opened the door and saw a rather funny looking man wearing sunglasses that covered his whole face, black clothes which covered his whole body and a scarf around the bottom part of his face.

"Who are you?" asked Larten confused.

"I'm Darren, can't you recognise me?"

"No, I could not recognise you, you were completely covered up," said Larten looking amused. "Why are you back so early? I thought you were going to stay with Debbie the whole day? The sun may be setting, but it is barely 5 of the clock."

"The sun was starting to burn me, no matter how many layers I had on, it still manages to hurt!" grumbled Darren, "What's wrong with you? You're all red, you haven't been out with Vancha have you?" He closed the door behind him. "Are you alright? You look terrible!"

"I... I am fine, for now."

"What do you mean! We're safe here!"

"No, we are not safe! For some reason this Earth also has the War of Scars, and it has a bunch of humans on the planet trying to slay the vampaneze," Larten shuddered, remembering his near brush with death.

"Uuuuuh... What exactly happened when I was gone?" Larten explained as fast as he could, everything that had happened. "So the Kah-Gash hasn't got rid of the vampaneze or the War of Scars?" asked Darren, trying to get what Larten was saying.

"Yes, Darren. Your "friend" has not done anything," retorted Mr Crepsley angrily.

"May I remind you that you're talking to a Prince."

"May I remind you that you are my assistant."

"I mean, my "friend" as you've decided to put it, is not my "friend", he's me... if I hadn't become a vampire. So you're talking about a prince!"

"If you had not decided to become a vampire, you would never have become a prince."

"Shut up, I'll try to deal with the problem. Don't you have classes to attend to?" replied Darren, giving up on fighting.

"I will go and wake up Vancha, although he might want to miss a class this time, he really hates sleeping comfortably!" exclaimed Larten. Darren grinned and walked off to get some sleep. "You really should stop doing that!" shouted Larten.

"What?"

"Sleeping at night, then you will have drink in the day and you will get terrible sunburn," lectured Mr Crepsley.

"I wish you were dead."

"Then you should have stayed with me for all eternity in paradise!"

"On second thoughts..." Darren trailed off, and ran out of the room, trying to stay away from Larten when he was in a bad mood was a sport that Darren was used to. Larten walked over to where Vancha was lying. Vancha had chosen a spot next to an unlit fireplace. Mainly because of the cold stone floor. He had a rough stone about twice the size of his head as a pillow and was lying face down.

"Vancha! Wake up!" Larten shouted louder than he should have, partly to annoy Vancha.

"What is it?"

"We have another lesson today, remember? Mrs Skittles is going to teach us zelettaraye."

"I think you mean the letter A," smiled Darren. Larten frowned, what was the difference?

After an hour, when Vancha had finally agreed to wearing his cloak though it was clean, they set off.

"Are you absolutely sure that you have the keys with you?" asked Larten worried.

"Yes," said Vancha.

"Do you have your IPhone with you, Larten?" demanded Darren. Mr Crepsley looked annoyed,

"You do not really expect me to carry such useless contraptions!"

"Take the phone with you or you'll have to give Vancha bath, Mrs Skittle was right, he stinks!" said Evanna, emerging out of nowhere.

"Fine, I will, but do not expect me to use it!" replied Larten. Vancha sighed, relieved.

When they had arrived, Mrs Skittle was already there.

"You're late!" She snapped. "I've been waiting for at least half an hour!"

"Sorry Mrs Skittle!" chorused Larten and Vancha through gritted teeth. She had barely arrived ten minutes ago, they had seen her parking her car as they arrived.

Mrs Skittle drew a letter on the board.

"Do any of you know what this is?"

"Another triangle..." muttered Vancha.

"What did you say?" shrieked Mrs Skittle.

"Is it..." Vancha thought about it, "The letter A?" he said, suddenly remembering what Darren had said.

"Yes it is! It makes an "ah" sound most of the time but it can also make an "aye" sound in some situations," Mrs Skittles smiled proudly, but that just created more wrinkles. Vancha switched off and started absentmindedly writing the letter A in his notebook.

"Why do you think the letters in the alphabet are all based on triangles?" he whispered to Larten, who was concentrating fiercely on what Mrs Skittle was saying.

"I do not know, maybe not all the letter's in the alphabet are like that," he whispered angrily, "Now leave me alone, I am busy." But he was too loud and Mrs Skittles had heard.

"So, you boys are talking during my lesson? I'm afraid I shall have to punish you!" she shouted angrily, "You will have to write 5 whole pages with As in them!" Larten shot a angry glance at Vancha and started writing.

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><p><strong>Not the best cliffhanger ever... But I'm sure you can't wait to know why the vampaneze are here! Just so you know, the poll hasn't closed and you can still vote for me in the Slumber Party Fun! The link is on my profile and I'll be really happy if I win! If I don't I might sulk for a month and you won't know what happened! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love blackmail.<strong>


	6. Problems and the Letter B

**I'm sorry I didn't write for about two days, I was a little busy with new year and stuff. Anywho, ENJOY!**

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><p><strong>Problems and the Letter B<strong>

"I am finished," called out Larten, "May I go home now?" Mrs Skittle, who was snoozing happily, jumped up.

"Yes, yes, you may leave, once I've checked your work, of course," she shuffled sleepily up to Mr Crepsley's desk and picked up his notebook, muttering. "I suppose you can leave now," she muttered looking through it quickly. Larten took his notebook back and nudged Vancha.

"Yes?" he called out, "Oh! Yeah. I'm finished." He turned to Mr Crepsley, "Let's get out of here!"

"Why?"

"She's giving me a look… I think she hates me."

"I do not blame her," muttered Larten as he watched Vancha put his animal skin cloak on.

"Ugh! My beautiful, lovely cloak smells of cleaning fluid!" he whined for the umpteenth time. Larten sighed and followed Vancha out of the room. "Let's go!" shouted Vancha as soon as they had left the room.

"I do not see the point in leaving in such a hurry," replied Larten.

"I hate that woman! I hate her looks! I hate her alfie's bet! The sooner we get out of here the better!" retorted Vancha.

"Oh! I see. You are scared of an old lady, and I think it is called an alphabet," Larten tried to look serious, but despite his efforts he started to smile.

"I'm not scared..."

"Of course you are not scared!" laughed Larten,"Come, Vancha, we are going to flit." Vancha smiled back and ran out of the door into the early morning night. When they got home, the sun was just rising. Larten opened the door and was greeted by a joyful Darren.

"How did your second lesson go?" he asked cheerfully. Larten walked inside and groaned.

"He hated it! I hated it too!" growled Vancha, going out to the garden to find a nice rocky spot to stay the night.

"I think you will find that it was only a little tiring, you were the only one that 'hated' it!" barked Larten furiously. Darren grinned, those two spent their whole time fighting after those lessons had started, barely two days ago. Larten stormed off indignantly and Darren heard the door of the coffin snap shut. He walked off to find Evanna.

When he found her, she was busily looking at a black picture.

"What's that?" he asked, pointing at two white spots inside the picture.

"My twins. I went to the hospital to have a picture of them taken."

"I thought you didn't want to have a picture taken of them?"

"It just seemed to be a funny thing to do."

"Okay... Anyway, there was something I needed to tell you about."

"Can it wait?"

"No, it's important."

"Is there something wrong with Vancha? He's been acting a bit down lately."

"No, it has nothing to do with Vancha. It's..."

"Is it Larten then? Don't worry Darren, I'm sure he's fine."

"NO! This has nothing to do with Mr Crepsley OR Vancha and it can't wait! Will you stop interrupting me and listen!"

"Okay, okay. Keep your socks on..."

"It seems that the vampaneze are here and they've brought the War of Scars with them. The vampirates are here too and they've founded some vampaneze slaying centers!"

"Oh. I see... Don't my twins look so cute in that picture?"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Calm down, I'm sure that the problem will sort itself out..."

"Did you even hear what I said?"

"Not really," Evanna smiled sheepishly, "The vampaneze slayed all the vampirates? Is that what you're saying?"

"What? No, no I didn't say that," Darren wanted to scream, but kept his cool and breathed deeply,"Are you ok, Evanna?"

"Yes, I'm just a bit preoccupied by my pregnancy."

"It's all you seem to talk about..." mumbled Darren. "Will you listen now?"

"I'll try to remain concentrated," murmured Evanna. Darren explained the problem again, repeating everything that Mr Crepsley had said. "Oh... That... That might be my fault..." she stammered.

"How could it be your fault? You've only been here two days."

"I really wanted to see Vancha, so that he could see my twins when I gave birth to them... and I also wanted Gannen to be there, he's the father too..."

"Yes..."

"I _may_ have brought all the vampires and vampaneze here..."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Did you? Or didn't you?"

"Hey, calm down..."

"WHY SHOULD I CALM DOWN? YOU'RE PUTTING THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE PLANET IN DANGER!"

"..."

"Don't cry, Evanna, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." Darren said softly, as Evanna started to cry and sob.

"I... I'm... I'm... I'm so... sor... sorry..."

"It's okay, isn't it? You can bring them all back, can't you?"

"N... No..."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"Because... If... I... This..."

"Calm down, Evanna." Evanna breathed deeply.

"Because this Earth is in a parallel universe, created by the Ka-Gash, I don't have any power over parallel universes."

"How did you get here?"

"I can come, I just can't leave..."

"So you gave up your life in the normal Earth just so you could come here and _accidentally_ bring over two whole armies?"

"Yep."

"What about Desmond?"

"Oh... I don't think he'll follow us, he doesn't like places where he doesn't have power."

"Okay, I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"How did you know we were here?"

"I can't tell you."

"Okay," Darren walked off, confused, there was something wrong with Evanna, she _never_ acted like that. He yawned, and went back to his coffin and had lovely sweet dreams about Debbie.

The next evening, Larten set off with Vancha for their lessons. They were going to learn zelettabee. Althought Darren kept correcting them and calling it "the letter B".

"Good evening students, please take your seats," smirked Mrs Skittle, "When are you going to have a shower Vancha?"

"Never," muttered Vancha, but out loud he said, "Soon, Mrs Skittles, soon."

"If there is any rain..." mumbled Larten.

"Shut up, both of you!" yelled Mrs Skittles, "The lesson's only just begun and both you boys are already driving me mad!"

"Yay!" whispered Vancha.

"Will you shut up?"

"Yes!" answered Larten.

"No!" replied Vancha.

"No talking back! That's rude! Who taught you your manners?"

"Evanna!" shouted Vancha happily, trying to annoy her. Mrs Skittles glared at him. He whimpered and looked back at his notebook.

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><p><strong>Darren gets angry, I get to write lovely arguments, (I love writing arguments!), and there's something wrong with Evanna... YAY! Things are starting to look more depressing, best part of the story! (I'm sadistic.) Please review, it'll make me so happy! I'll write faster, I'll write more often and I'll write back.<strong>


	7. Games and the Letter C

**Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've had school and stuff to attend to. Anyways please enjoy this chapter and if my maths teacher is on this site... Mrs. Skittle is definitely _not_ based on you! If you aren't my maths teacher, then yes, Mrs Skittle is based on my maths teacher.**

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><p><strong>Games and the Letter C<strong>

"So you're _sure_ you understand?"

"Yes Mrs. Skittle! The two sideways mountains make a 'buh' sound," repeated Vancha, hoping he'd got it right.

"NO! For God's sake, were you even listening?" she yelled back desperately.

"Good question... Well… Uuhh… I'm not going to lie…" Vancha trailed off.

"He was not listening, Mrs. Skittle," smiled Larten.

"I don't like both of you! Now get back to work!" snapped Mrs. Skittle.

"Please may I go home, I've finished writing all the Bs you wanted us to do!" asked Larten.

"Fine… But Vancha's staying an extra half hour!" shouted Mrs. Skittle.

"What about the sunli- I mean, what about school? We have to bring Darren to school, he cannot drive, and that is why we are taking night classes in the first place!" Larten lied. The school excuse had been Darren's idea, because he still looked young enough to go to school.

"Drive? I don't think that stupid, ignorant people such as _you_ could drive!" sniffed Mrs. Skittle. Vancha gritted his teeth, he wasn't ignorant! He was a respected prince and great in combat! Larten was hurt too, he'd been trying his best but he simply couldn't understand! "Anyway, I heard that he has to go to school by sunrise, (a pretty funny schedule if you ask me), and sunrise isn't till at least half an hour later!" she huffed.

"Oh... Oh, yes, of course," Larten breathed in, relieved for Vancha, "Alright, I am leaving!"

"Lucky, lucky you!" muttered Vancha.

"What did you say?" yelled Mrs. Skittle, "GET BACK TO WORK YOU LAZY, GOOD FOR NOTHING SCUM!" For a moment it looked as if Vancha was going to cry, but he sniffed and carried on working. Larten went back home whistling and feeling happy that he wasn't the one studying. He made a silent promise to be nicer to Darren in the future, school _was_ terrible! When he finally got home, he groaned and pushed the door open and almost immediately slumped on the couch.

"Look at what I bought for you!" exclaimed Darren flitting into the room.

"What is it?" I am tired!" yawned Larten.

"That doesn't matter, tomorrow's Saturday!"

"Why is Saturday so special?"

"Uuuhh... It's the weekend!"

"The week ends on a Saturday? I am confused..."

"No, silly! The weekend is Saturday and Sunday, they're days off!"

"Oh! Yes, you had a "weekend" when you were at Mahlers! Is it not some sort of holiday?"

"No! You get a weekend every week!"

"You mean, you get _two_ days off _every week_!"

"Yes! Is there something wrong with that?" asked Darren confused. Larten cursed inwardly, children those days were so spoilt! _He_ only had half days off on Sundays at the silk factory and a entire day off on Christmas. Next thing you knew, they'd be having summer holidays too! Larten smiled at that silly idea, why would someone need a whole summer off? Then Mr. Crepsley remembered the Mrs. Skittle and stiffened.

"No, there is nothing wrong with that... What were you going to show me?"

"This!" Darren smiled proudly, bringing his arms up and showing off a big brown box.

"What is it?"

"Open it and see!"

"I do not like surprises," grumbled Larten but he opened it anyway. It looked like a green laptop with Leapfrog tm written on it's side.

"Well? What do you think?"

"I do not mean to be rude... What is it exactly?"

"It's a LeapFrog!"

"And that is... ?" Larten stared inquisitively at the piece of machinery. Darren picked it up and showed him a rectangular object and fitted it inside a slot.

"This is the game. You slide it into the side and you turn it on by moving this switch, okay?"

"Yes, go on..."

"Now you open the laptopy part of the leapfrog and..." Vancha burst in to the room.

"I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!" he shouted. Darren and Larten just sat there. "Can't you see? I'm on fire! Mrs Skittle said so!" Vancha started to calm down and looked down at his clothes. "Ah. I'm apparently_ not_ on fire..." Darren burst into laughter and Larten started to smile.

"It's a figure of speech, Vancha!" Darren was roaring with laughter.

"Yeah... I knew that..." mumbled Vancha, still making sure there wasn't a small flame that would prove him right.

"It means you did a good job! I don't know why though, I thought you didn't make any effort!" cried Darren wiping tears out of his eyes.

"I managed to work out that a sideways mountain is also a bee. It's a silly idea, but I had to please her or she'd have my guts for garters!" wailed Vancha.

"I can't believe you're scared of Mrs Skittle! She's a human! You could drain her in five minutes! What's so scary about her?" Larten and Vancha exchanged glances.

"Is that an actual question?" asked Vancha surprised that anyone would ever doubt the terror of Mrs Skittle, "Anyway, what were ou talking about when I came in? Something about a laptop?"

"Yes, I was just about to explain to Larten how to use a Leapfrog," said Darren, still wiping tears out of his eyes. He repeated the instructions until he got to the point of opening the laptop. "So, now you open the laptopy part of the lea-

"What's a laptop?" asked Vancha.

"That doesn't matter! So you open it and you fit the book which matches with the game in the book shaped space, okay?"

"Okay..." repeated Larten and Vancha.

"The book shaped space has a sort of pressure measure, so that when you press on the book with the pen that's attached to it, it can make a sound or say something according to exercise."

"How does it tell the pages apart?" inquired Larten.

"You press a red circle in the margin of the book each time you turn the page, the red button is in a different place each time." Vancha decide that the game might be a good thing to keep his mind off Mrs. Skittle, so he grabbed the LeapFrog and slotted the game in. Larten bent over Vancha's shoulder to see how it worked.

"Shall we start on the third page? We have already learnt A and B," reasoned Larten.

"Good point," Vancha turned the pages over to the third page.

Larten felt a sense of pride, it was a book! A real book! he'd been read aloud to, but he had never actually made sense out the symbols, this time, he was actually reading! "Oh! Look, they have a half circle on this page!" cried Vancha.

"Press on the letter and see what it is called!" Larten felt so excited that he almost forgot not to use a contraction on the "it is". Vancha pressed on the letter and jumped when he heard a voice say:

"See."

"See what? What kind of witchcraft is this! I'll have to ask Evanna about this..." shouted Vancha, putting the LeapFrog back on the couch and stepping back.

"It's a speaker. Heard of those?" laughed Darren.

"Actually, no, I haven't!"

"I don't believe that... But if you say so..." Darren walked off, shaking his head, the two vampires seemed to be far further behind technology than he thought.

Larten picked the LeapFrog up carefully and continued his lesson with the strange voice.

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><p><strong>Sorry, again if I've updated later than I should have. I was meaning to finish writing this chapter earlier this week, but I never got round to it. Thank you for all the lovely reviews, please post more!<strong>


	8. Leapfrog Addict

**Heh heh. Larten is really OOC in this chapter, but that's just to show how addicting electronic things can be. **

**NEWS FLASH: It's SNOWING! YAY! AWESOMENESS! ...It's not _snowing_, but there is snow on the ground, so that's good enough, right?**

**Umm... Yeah, so I've just been reading "An Affair Of The Night" and although some bits were sad, I laughed when he opened the package, because for some reason, no matter how many times I was told, had completely forgotten what he was going to get!**

**I want to thank absolutely everyone who reviewed. We only have two more days of Hug-Whoever-You-Want Month, so I'm going to hug all my reviewers twice and all my readers that didn't review once. Seems fair enough! *hugs everyone once and hugs reviewers a second time and _accidentally_ forgets to hug Debbie***

**I'm going to do a disclaimer, because everyone else does one.**

**DISCLAIMER: The Darren Shan story does not belong to me. I don't own the plot nor do I own most of the characters, but I do own Larten. And whoever dares defy me is dead. Because I will challenge them to the death and we all know who will win. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! (Yes, Darren Shan, I will even defy you!)**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>The Leapfrog Addict<strong>

**Chapter 8: In which Larten becomes obsessed with a Leapfrog and Vancha overhears an Argument**

"This machine is so much fun!" Larten was smiling as he learnt yet another letter and its pronunciation.

"How many more letters are we going to learn before going to sleep?" Vancha was yawning, it was past midday, but Larten was still using LeapFrog.

"You can go to sleep if you want… It is the weekend tomorrow, so you can learn tomorrow if you want." Larten drifted off, he was learning the letter L already.

"Look Larten… I know you want to learn to read but…" Vancha searched for a reason to make Larten see sense, "It doesn't matter. I'm a prince you should do what I tell you!"

Then Larten did something really strange. "Aaaw! Can I have 5 minutes more?" he asked.

Vancha blinked, hoping that it was a hallucination. "Pinch me Larten! You_ are_ joking, right?" Vancha knew it wasn't possible, Larten never made that kind of joke! _Especially_ not when it was about a prince's order, but Larten was already back on his LeapFrog. "Larten. You will go to your coffin! Right now!" Vancha waited for the puzzled look on Larten's face or the embarrassment to being treated like a child, but Larten didn't say anything. He just walked stubbornly to his room. Vancha walked off in a daze, hoping that it was a dream and that his mind had been making it all up.

As Vancha strolled past the corridor, he overheard something strange in Evanna's room. It sounded like an argument, so he eavesdropped. And it wasn't like Evanna had anything to hide from him.

"And you can't do anything about it?" cried someone, sounding suspiciously like Darren.

"NO! I don't have the right magic to do that!" Vancha was pretty sure that it was Evanna that said that.

"AAAAAAH! And you're sure you've brought the entire army of vampaneze here?" Vancha stiffened, an entire army? And here he was being bored and learning to read!

"Uuumm... I also brought Gannen..." Vancha wasn't sure whether to take that as a good or bad thing, he loved his brother, but he _had_ tried to kill him...

"WHAT?" Uh oh. Darren sounded angry.

"And Mika... And Seba... And Vanez... And..." mumbled Evanna.

"Okay! Fine. I get the idea. You brought absolutely everyone here and because this world is so similar to theirs, no one noticed the difference?"

"Pretty much..."

"You... You... You... Will you ever do something right for once?"

"Look at that cute picture of my twins!"

"What? NO! Don't change the subject!"

"What's your problem? The war's going to end soon anyway!"

"But what about Larten and Vancha? They both died! No one's going to believe their story anyway!"

"Vancha didn't die..."

"He did! He died four years after I did!"

"Hmmm... And he's going to have to be more responsible now that he's going to be a father!" Vancha gasped, he was responsible! He was a vampire prince! How dare she say he wasn't responsible? "He's going to have to warm up the milk bottles, change nappies, _wash_ the baby..." listed Evanna. Vancha laughed at that last option, as if babies needed _baths_! He hadn't had a shower in three hundred years, unless you counted rainy days, and he smelt fine! **(A/N When you read this, please realise that Vancha is the one thinking he smells fine. Not me.) **

"Evanna... Concentrate on the problem at hand, _not_ the baby!" implored Darren. Vancha had heard enough, and he wanted to see what had happened, and why. He stormed into the room.

"What is going on in here?" he asked.

"The War Of Scars is here!" yelled Darren angrily.

"You have a baby to look after!" yelled Evanna at about the same time, Darren shot her and angry look.

"Ummm... As much as I care about my child... What's that about the War of Scars?" Vancha asked the question in a way that was almost cheerful, after all, he didn't think even a war could be worse than Mrs Skittle! At least it wouldn't be boring.

"You... You aren't worried about the War?" asked Darren, dumbfounded.

"No! Of course not! It'll be less deadly than..." Vancha gulped, "Than Mrs Skittle..." Darren would have laughed at, but he had more important things to do than laugh at the Prince's fears.

"You do realise you won't be able to fight, right?" asked Darren, mildly suspicious of what Vancha was going to do with the news.

"Ummm... Not really... Why?" muttered Vancha, making a mental note to stop thinking so loudly. How else could Darren have guessed that?

"Because the vampires will want answers and we'll have to explain the entire story, and then they're going to panic and it'll be total chaos!" said Darren, almost screaming at the last part.

"I can do whatever I want! I'm a_ prince_! And I say I want to fight! By the black blood of Harnon Oan, Darren! I lead my own life!" Vancha yelled back, it wasn't the best of comebacks, but it was the best he had under the circumstances.

"Don't you dare teach such terrible phrases to our little kids!" shouted Evanna, surprising them both.

"Evanna... They're going to use those words anyway... There's no point in waiting..." mumbled Vancha.

"They are certainly NOT going to use those words! And why aren't you in bed? Honestly, if I didn't know yo well enough, I'd say a witch brought you up!" retorted Evanna, not quite realising the irony in that last sentence.

"I don't go to _bed_" sulked Vancha, but he went outside to his bush to sleep anyway.

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><p><strong>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I didn't update last week! I'm so bad... :'( Not in the bad-good way, in the bad-bad way... That made no sense!<strong>

**I don't like repeating myself, (actually I do, but... whatever, just read on!), but... REVIEW! Charna's guts and the black blood of Harnon Oan! (Oooh! I used swear-words :D) I know this is hard to believe, but in this world there are people who _like_ reviews! **

**Constructive criticism is welcome, so is flaming, but that's just so that I can work on my comebacks! Anonymous reviewers are welcome too! I would prefer being able to answer, but never mind... It's okay! As long as I get my lovely reviews!**

**See you in the next chapter!**


	9. Hunting on a Sunday

**Charna's guts! I forgot to update on Saturday... My most grovelling apologies (whatever that means... XD). IT'S SNOWING HERE! MINUS EIGHT DEGREES CELSIUS!**

**To Eureka: Thanks! I like your sense of humor too! SQUEEK!**

**Enjoy my chapter! It's based on what Vancha does on a Sunday, because knowing Larten, he's probably just learning the alphabet!**

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><p><strong>Hunting on a Sunday<strong>

**Chapter 9: in which Vancha goes out hunting and comes up with a plan.**

Vancha woke up in a bad mood. "_I don't want to have any lessons again," _He thought, after five minutes of rubbing his eyes, he realized that Larten wasn't rushing to wake him up! There had to be a reason... Oh yes! It was _Sunday_! That beautiful day that humans had invented to get away from school...

Vancha lay there for about an hour, just looking at the stars with a stupid grin on his face. After a while, he decided that he was hungry, and it seemed like the perfect moment to go out hunting, so he went back into the house, and looked for his shurikens. For some reason, Darren was worried that someone would see the shurikens and be a bit suspicious. Vancha found that idea preposterous, "Everyone collects shurikens, Darren! You're the ones that aren't normal!" he argued each time Darren tried to get him to hide his beloved shurikens. Eventually, Vancha had agreed to putting the shurikens away, _safely_ as Darren instructed in a cupboard under the stairs.

Once Vancha had found the weapons, he tucked his finest in his belt, whispering secret names he'd given them when he was drunk. He was planning to bring back a deer or two, so he only brought four. Just in case.

"Duckie," he muttered, slotting the first one in, "Prince Cuddly," he picked up a nice shiny shuriken, "Smiley," he murmured, lifting his favourite carefully, almost forgetting that it was a tough weapon and that he was soon going to throw it anyway, "And Tootsy-wootsy-footsy-ditzy-witzy," he finished fondly. If any one found out about those names, he'd be dead for sure...

"What are you doing Vancha?" asked voice further down the corridor. Vancha paled, if Larten had just heard him, his career as a prince would be ruined. He could just imagine the shame, the terrible terrible shame... Surely no one else gave such silly names to their personal belongings? "Vancha!" repeated Larten shaking him.

"Wha-What? Was this all a dream?" asked Vancha, surprised that Larten had sneaked up on him like that.

"No. You were just thinking... I suppose, but you were definitely awake five seconds ago. I heard you saying something about a Ditzy-witzy," explained Larten.

Vancha shrugged nervously and blushed, (not that anyone would have noticed, his skin is red anyway), "Umm... Maybe you misheard me..."

"Perhaps. But that does not matter, do you want to learn more letters?" inquired Larten, gesturing towards the Leapfrog he was holding.

Vancha tried to bluff his way out of it, "You know Larten... I don't feel so well and... I'm not sure if learning the alphabet is very healthy..."

Larten looked disappointed, and Vancha immediately felt bad for letting his friend down, but then he remembered what learning the alphabet had been like so far and shuddered.

"Are you sure you do not want to learn? You will have to do a lot of catching up later, since I intend to learn at much as I can this weekend," said Larten hopefully.

"No... I'm going to go hunting... Maybe the fresh air will make me feel better," mumbled Vancha, running out as fast as he could so Larten couldn't answer.

Vancha was right, in a way. The fresh air did make him feel better, and he felt slightly less guilty about his small lie. He tried to make his lie sound even smaller by telling himself that he _did_ feel quit ill... But it wasn't true, and he knew it. He was just tired. Vancha hugged Prince Cuddly. "You care about me, don't you?" he muttered, knowing that no one would answer.

"Oh, oh yes, I do care about you, you amazing green-haired prince you!" answered a squeaky voice that Vancha had just made up.

"Thanks..." laughed Vancha, it was funny how just telling yourself that you love yourself could make you feel better! He was just about to make Prince Cuddly talk, but he didn't have time because he saw a deer and forgot all about it.

"Go get her, Duckie!" He whispered, throwing his shuriken in the air and waiting for it to land on the deer. He heard a crack as the deer's skull cracked open and he stepped out from behind the bushes. It was a good catch, not much meat on its bones, but it was still fairly good. Vancha wasn't really _hungry_, he was just bored and that wold make a great snack for bored people! He dragged the deer home, getting scratched by thorns on the way, but he didn't mind. _Anything_ was better than lessons with Mrs Skittle!

"What are you... VANCHA!" screamed Darren, seeing what Vancha was carrying.

"What's wrong with bringing a deer here?" asked Vancha guiltily.

"It's... It's not that... But what are the neighbors going to think?" Darren sighed, Vancha wasn't made for living indoors, or anywhere near a city...

"I'm not going to let them eat my deer! They can go hunt their own!" retorted Vancha.

"Vancha..." Darren sighed a second time, looking after a bunch of hardened vampires was harder than he'd imagined. "This isn't about what happened yesterday, is it?"

"Of course not!" cried Vancha, "I just want to hunt! Mrs Skittle is filling all our night time with useless work!"

"Last time I checked, learning the alphabet was NOT useless!" Darren rolled his eyes, half-smiling despite himself.

"Yeah, well last time _I_ checked, fighting was not useless either!" Vancha stomped off. He wasn't used to people challenging his authority, and he was very worried about the War of Scars. Vancha didn't want his brother to suffer because he wasn't there.

"Vancha! Clear up this mess!" shouted Evanna sleepily shuffling out of her room, "You're showing a bad example to our kids!"

"Darling... I don't think they can see the deer on the floor..." muttered Vancha.

"What if it's still there when they're born? Because I'm not clearing it up!"

"It'll rot before they're born!"

"Clear it up, I said!" screamed Evanna anyway.

"Fine!" Vancha sighed, "Charna's Guts! She's worse than Mrs Skittle..." He muttered the last bit, not wanting Evanna to hear.

"What was that?"

"Nothing..." Vancha cleared up the guts that the deer had left on the floor. He wasn't hungry anymore, Evanna had made him lose his appetite. He wondered what Larten what doing for the weekend, then he remembered. Larten was learning the alphabet... At exactly that moment Vancha came up with an amazing plan, well, amazing by his standards! The plan was taking shape in his mind and Vancha grinned, he _would_ fight in the war after all! But first, he had to have a talk to Larten...

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><p><strong>Vancha has a plan... I'm not sure if he's very famous for his plans, but I am, and I can tell you (as my friend would say: boasting, boasting) it's pretty awesome! It involves... Well... If I told you, it wouldn't be very surprising, would it?<strong>

**REVIEW! I feel really bad, because I didn't answer any of my reviews for my last chapter, but don't worry, I read your reviews and they made me smile. I just... was too lazy to answer... XD**

**But yeah, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ENJOY READING REVIEWS! I'll see you guys in the next chapter!**


	10. Eleanora

**I haven't updated in MONTHS. MONTHS. MOOONTHS. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON! :( Pleeaase forgive me! Anyway, read this chapter, I hope it was worth the wait!**

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><p><strong>Eleanora<strong>

**Chapter 10: in which Vancha tries to run away to the battlefield.**

"VANCHAAA!" screamed a voice from Evanna's room.

"What is it this time?" groaned Vancha, irritated, Evanna kept finding new things to put in his bag.

"YOU FORGOT YOUR PHONE!"

"I don't WANT a phone, phones are for _humans_," snorted Vancha.

Debbie sat up on the sofa and frowned, "I'M a human, you know!"

He raised an eyebrow, "My point exactly. Give the phone to Debbie, Evanna, I don't need it."

"YOU WILL TAKE THE PHONE _AND_ PRINCE CUDDLY WITHOUT AN ARGUMENT, MISTER!" yelled Evanna, her face turning red.

Vancha blanched. "How… you… Prince Cuddly… How do you _know_ this stuff?"

Evanna stepped out of her room, the light made her face look pale and gave her a strange sort of beauty. "I know everything, sweetheart," she whispered in a strange, echoey voice.

Vancha gulped. "How…"

"I'm just _kidding_!" cried Evanna, laughing so hard you'd think her ropes would come loose, suddenly, it didn't seem quite so scary and Evanna was ugly again.

"HEY! EVANNA ISN'T UGLY!" shouted Vancha.

"_It's a description, you aren't meant to hear it,"_ explained Dead L E, in italics because she felt like it.

"Oh. Okay then," muttered Vancha, rather confused.

"Right, so, uh… Bye!" Evanna waved awkwardly. Vancha grunted and walked off. "YOU FORGOT YOUR PHONE!" yelled Evanna again, but Vancha had already flitted into the distance.

Vancha arrived, panting, in some sort of dead end alley, and realized he had no idea where the war was. "Uh… Hello? Hellooo? Um… Team Vamp?" he mumbled, trying to get help inconspicuously, and being conspicuous as possible.

"Oh, em, GEE!" cried a teenage girl behind him, "Thah is nah way you can be team AHDWARD! Oh em, GEE! Jacob is so mach hottah!"

Her friend nodded, "I mean, like, have you seen, like, his abs? They're, like, ripped or, like, something."

Vancha stuttered, but they were too busy to notice.

"Cam ovah! You jahst HAVE tah see mah new postahs!" chimed the first girl.

"Yeah, like, Jacob is, like, practically naked in, like, half of them."

"Jast CAAAM!" giggled the girl, pulling on Vancha's arm. Vancha gulped. How the hell couldn't they see that he was a fully grown vampire? Shouldn't that look pretty obvious? And why did they think walking in a dark alley at night, and talking to strange people was _normal_?

"Oh. My. God. You smell, like, like rotten fish! Eurgh! That is, like, disgusting or something!"

"Who ah yah? Ah am SO gonna make fahn of you at school tomorrah!"

Vancha unfroze and shook the girl. She was just a school girl, what was he afraid of? Still... He pushed them away and flitted, vowing never to get lost again. He decided to find Vampire Mountain and work out where the war was from there. The problem was, it took two days to get there by flitting, so Vancha needed a cover, which he didn't have. So he took his last option, and went to class.

He found the building without too much trouble. They had rented a meeting room in a three star hotel. The receptionist had been rather confused when they had asked for it between "midnight and three am" but they reminded him of the rule "the customer is always right". Even though it made no sense in their current situation, he said he understood and let them have it.

He went up the elevator, got out and entered the room. The first thing he noticed was a large painting… of a tree.

"A tree, huh?" he muttered, not expecting an answer.

"No, not a tree… it's a symbol of power, intelligence and strength. A tree stands tall when all else crumbles, a tree has seen history and it does not act, for it knows all. Don't you know anything about symbolism, my dear?" asked a woman, grinning. She had black glossy hair, pulled back into a pony tail. She was wearing a long blue flowery dress and silver earrings dangled from her ears. She flashed him a smile that accentuated her black eyes and said, "My, my! I can see you haven't been washing lately, have you?" Vancha noticed that she had an accent, French perhaps? He couldn't tell… "You can call me Eleanora," she smiled, "What's your name, honey?"

Vancha would have _liked _to say "My name is whatever you wish it to be, sweet delicacy of heaven" then maybe bending down and kissing her hand would be deemed gallant enough… But no.

"My name… is… uh… um… uh… I… uh… you… Vancha? Yes. That's it. My name is… uh… Vancha. But you can call me… um… Vancha." That was what he really said. Even to this day, he still regrets it, because "you can can me Vancha" was probably not the most tactful thing to say.

"Okay, 'um Vancha'" giggled Eleanora pursing her heart shaped lips comically, "Aren't you a little late? Never mind, it's all in the past now." She wrote something on the board and the lesson began. Eleanora pulled out a textbook with _Jolly Phonics_ written on the cover next to the picture of a large red and black snake. "Today we are going to do something with sounds!" She opened her book to the first page and gestured to Vancha to do the same. There was the same picture on it. "Now, let me tell you a story" she beamed, "Once upon a time there was a pretty little snake, and every time the snake saw a bug, it went 'Sssssss' and ssslithered!"

"Yaaaay..." muttered Vancha, unimpressed. He was too busy working on his next pick up line.

"Shhhh! Can _you_ make your hand slither and go 'sssss'?" she asked. If she was anyone else in the world, Vancha would have punched her... But this time he just grumbled and said, "Ssssss, happy now?"

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><p><strong>Heh heh heh... Won't Evanna be jealous? OR WAS IT HER IDEA ALL ALONG? :O DUM DUM DUUUM!<strong>

**REVIEW! WHY? Because:**

**If you don't review I will jump off a cliff and you will be so sad that YOU will jump of a cliff, and then you will make your family and everyone that loves jump of cliffs which will eventually end up in a world APOCALYPSE! :O**

**So review.**


	11. Squabbles About Squiggles

**YAY! Special PSHE homework edition! We were doing smart targets, and mine was to write 1200 words of this... (My teacher got confused, I think XD)**

**So... ENJOY! I know I haven't written in ages but... um... CMON! READ ON!**

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><p><strong>Squabbles about Squiggles<strong>

Vancha walked home with a grin on his face. He always tried to see the bright side of things, and today was a brilliant day. Uh... Well... There had been that moment when he had to make those weird sound... but at least he could now write bat and cat. And he'd met this beautiful girl... Suddenly, Vancha's face went rigid. No. Nonono. He was with _EVANNA_ for the Gods' sake. He wasn't going to _cheat_ on her... was he? He was going to have two gorgeous children with the woman he loved, not run off with some hottie called "Eleanora".

But on the other hand, Vancha had experience, he was _used _to running off with hotties, raising twins suddenly seemed like an unbearable responsibility. What if... What if Bobby started swearing? Or if Tatiana became addicted to cigarettes? (Yes, he named them in his head, no big deal). That would never happen with Eleanora. She couldn't get twins. But somewhere, a faithful part of Vancha's wild heart started whispering with a very small hearty (duh, it's a heart) voice, "You can't abandon Evanna... The twins are your children, you know that". He knew the voice was right, it wasn't easy to do... Especially not with Eleanora as an escape.

Vancha hit head against the front door, and realised he was home. He knocked on the door, then realised he had the keys in his hand. He unlocked the door to find a bemused Darren staring at him.

"...Why did you knock?" asked Darren.

Vancha laughed uneasily. "'Cause I CAN." Darren stared. Vancha stared back. Darren stared more. Larten came in and stared. Dead L E stared into Larten's green eyes then realised that this was getting a bit off topic.

"You are_ late_," said Larten. Vancha smiled. "Where were you?" Vancha smiled more. "...I see" Larten sighed. "How was your first lesson?"

Vancha wasn't sure how to respond, "Uh... we did S. Um... Sssssss,"

Larten looked confused, "Sssssss?"

Vancha nodded and moved his hands to make them slither, "Sssssss! Like a snake, see?" He suddenly remembered a brilliant way of catching and eating snakes and licked his lips.

Larten tried to copy the movement Vancha did, "Sssss? That is a letter?"

Vancha shook his head, "You don't know _anything_, do you? Sssss is the _sound _it makes, otherwise known as fonetiks. The letter looks a bit like an upright squiggle. And don't lick your lips, you look stupid."

It was now Larten's turn to disagree, "No, the upright squiggle is a Z, I know because I asked Mrs Skittles to teach me how to spell Vanez."

"_My _teacher is waaay smarter than Mrs Skittles. I bet _she_ knows best. Your stupid Z sounds like a bee and a fly on top of rotting fruit."

Carrot gasped, "You_ dare _say that _Mrs Skittles _is wrong? Maybe _your _teacher is teaching you wrong for... for..."

Vancha grinned, "For what?"

"For..." Larten's eyes narrowed, and he chuckled maliciously as he finished off with the stingiest of insults that had _ever_ been thrown at Prince Vancha March, "For being so repulsively ugly and REPUGNANT!"

There was a shocked silence, and quiet sobbing was heard. It was the Prince himself, crying into his hands. This was, ironically, the first time he'd washed his hands that year. (This happened in July).

"D'you... dyou really think... I'm... ugly and... and... repugly?"

Larten was still mad at Vancha for calling Mrs Skittles less smart than his new teacher, so he nodded and said very loudly, "Yes. And besides, I do not find you_ repugly,_ that word does not exist, you pea-brained moron. I find you REPUGNANT."

"Re-pug-ant So... An dog with insects?"

If Larten knew how to facepalm, he would have, but instead he just allowed himself to feel a lot grander than Vancha and answered haughtily, "RE-PUG-_NANT _".

Vancha stared blankly at Larten, the author, Dead L E, did not want another staring contest so she removed Larten to the other side of the room so they could not stare. This confused everyone for a brief moment, but then it all calmed down because Dead L E is a cool writer and everyone loves her.

Larten explained further, "Repugnant is a meaner word for smelly."

That was what finished it. Vancha looked horrified, on the verge of madness, "I'M NOT SMELLY! I'M PERFECTLY CLEAN! I BATHED TWO YEARS AGO IN A COOL SWAMP! I'M NOT REPUGANT!"

This reaction surprised the two of them, Vancha was usually okay with comments on his bodily odour, since he himself had a nose and occasional sniffed the air. He realised that he wasn't the cleanest vamp in the world, but it wasn't as if he actually cared.

"Uh... I am sorry?" Vancha's eyes were now streaming with floods of tears, revealing a much lighter skin tone underneath all the dirt encrusted on his cheeks.

"BUT YOU STILL MEANT IIIIIT!", wailed Vancha.

Evanna walked in, "What did Larten mean it?" Yes, I realise that these people have no sense of grammar

"LARTEN MEAN IT THAT I AM A DOG WITH INSECTS!" sobbed Vancha, now no longer making sense.

Larten looked as confused as Evanna.

"I called him... repugnant... he is rather sensitive," Larten paused, "I thought it meant smelly..."

Evanna was shocked, "WHY would you say that?"

"We got into a bit of a... fight".

"About what? What could make you call him smelly?"

Larten thought of answering, '_It is not like it is the untruest thing in the world' _But he chose otherwise. "He said that S was an upright squiggle, but I am assured he is confusing it with Z."

Evanna blinked, "You... You made Vancha cry over _that_?" Larten nodded. Evanna roared with laughter, making both of the squabbling vampires feel very stupid indeed. "S and Z are _both_ upright squiggles you _fools_!"

Vancha stopped sobbing, "Uh, yeah. I knew that. Totally." He glared at Larten, and Larten realised that it was probably best for him to stay silent. The Sire mouthed "_I am DEFINITELY NOT crying right now. Darren would__ know nothing even if I did." _

Larten didn't want to know what would happen if Darren did find out, but sadly... Darren squinted at Vancha. "You do realise I AM here, right? I've just been silent this whole time because Dead L E forgot about me. In fact... Larten, you're standing on my foot."

"Oh, excuse me," muttered Larten, suddenly realising that he had no idea how he'd moved to that part of the room, nor why Darren had not been speaking simply because Deadely had forgotten him.

Vancha groaned, "URGH, and I bet _Debbie_ also saw, am I right?"

Debbie opened her eyes lazily and yawned, "Why are you all up so..." she paused to yawn again, "early?".

Darren just shook his head and Evanna realised she'd been living in a place full of idiots all along, but then she also pointed out to herself that this wasn't exactly news.

The author just had three words to say, "I hate Debbie." She shrugged and walked off, leaving a very confused bunch of characters standing in the living room of the epicest cottage in the world.

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><p><strong>YAY! 1232 words ^_^ (without AN) AS MY PRIZE I GET... CHOCOLATE AND REVIEWS! YAY! GIMME REVIEWS! (and chocolate) BUT MAINLY REVIEWS!**


	12. Going to War

**Gooooood day! ;) Sup guys? I've just updated! (Ya know, just incase that email didn't reach ya and you couldn't tell by by reading this here new chapta). Ya I-a lika endinga thingsa witha aa XD. Anywho, you can thank AmyMilo for this extraordinarily fast update (by my standards) he/she seems to really want a new chapter O.o Probably cause I'm (an) amazing (author)! ^_^**

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><p><strong>Going to War<br>****Chapter 11 in which Vancha tries to go to the battlefield**

"_YOU WILL TAKE YOUR PHONE!" screamed Evanna, throwing a strange rectangle at Vancha, he caught it in mid-flight and it turned into a shuriken that he threw at Debbie. Debbie yelled out in pain and fell to the floor wincing, Vancha noticed little baby pigs all around her and realised she was turning into a pig.  
><em>_Seba came in saying, "WASTE NOT WANT NOT, AYE?" and picked up a knife.  
><em>_Darren ran towards him, screaming something along the lines of, "NOOOO! NOT DEBBIIIIEEEE!" Vancha tried to run away, but his feet were glued to the ground and he realised that he was in a battlefield of vampires hitting pigs. The pigs had crossbows and guns, yet all the vampires were using were spears. A bullet hit him in the stomach and he started to black out.  
><em>_Larten shook him and yelled, "WAKE UP VANCHA!"_

Vancha blinked, rubbed the crust out of his eyes and stretched his arms. Larten was staring right at him, not a very good sign. He was wearing his crimson shirt and trousers already, it must have been later than Vancha thought.

"Uh… Hi?"

"WE. ARE. LATE!" Larten thrust a clock reading 9:00 pm on it, "CHARNA'S GUTS, VANCHA! I WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING TODAY! NOT HAVE YOU SCREAMING "WASTE NOT WANT NOT" IN YOUR SLEEP!" he screamed, waving his arms around, he already had a pencil and notebook in his pocket (he couldn't find a red bag). Vancha gulped, that pencil seemed to be dangerously close to him. He wondered, for a brief moment, exactly _why_ he was up so late, but it was probably just the strange ending to the day before, what with that weird Dead L E kid entering and messing things up, things hadn't really been very natural.

Vancha felt pain in his stomach and realised there was a huge purple bruise there, most likely from Larten punching him "…You had to do THAT to wake me up? What about cold water… or I don't know… Something less PAINFUL?"

Larten shrugged, "I do not care, now that you are awake, I shall leave." He pulled his cape off the floor next to his coffin as he turned away. Vancha picked up his own animal pelt and ran after Larten.

"HEY! COME BACK! ...WHAT ABOUT BREAKFAST!?" yelled Vancha, running out the room, slamming the door behind him, he tripped over a sleeping bag in the hallway. "Urgh... Debbie's such a slob," he muttered, before realising that the sleeping bag belonged to Darren. He fleetingly wondered WHY Darren and Debbie used the same sleeping bag, then he just shook the thoughts out of his head and kept walking. Today, he had a better plan. He grabbed Larten's cape as he was opening the door. "Hey!"

Larten spun round, "WHAT?" he frowned.

"Weeell... That girl... Diana... Dyou have her address or something?" Vancha made puppy eyes at Larten.

He rolled his eyes, "How would I have her address? She offered to write it down, but..."

"Phone number? Fax number?" Vancha shook Larten, "THINK!"

"Um... I might have her phone number, but I do not understand why this matters to you."

"You don't need to know. Now pass over the number!" Larten pulled out his iPhone and grimaced, he looked through his Contacts.

"Um... her name starts with a 'D' D... d... d..." he looked through the list and wrote down her number in his notebook, ripped the page out and gave it to Vancha.

He walked out the room, leaving Vancha inside with the number. "Right. How do numbers work?" muttered Vancha, going to find the weird rectangle that Evanna called a mobile phone. He looked under his bed and under the sofa but he found it under Debbie's pillow, he narrowed his eyes at Debbie. "One day, Tootsy-wootsy-footsy-ditzy-witzy and I will kill her..." mumbled Vancha, absent mindedly stroking the area where Tootsy would have been. He looked in his contact list for Eleanora's number first, and called her. He waited almost no time for the answer.

"Hello... I know I've reached Eleanora... Oh, I'm meant to tell you why I called?... Right, okay thanks... It's my first time actually... Yeah, it's because I want to start the lesson a bit later today, you don't mind, right?... okay... right, well... 3 am?... okay then... Bye!"

Vancha grinned to himself, he held up Diana's phone-number, and typed it into his phone, he waited for a few seconds, "Heeey... Hi Diana!... This is Vancha March...Yep, that's me... Sorry about the van... Yeah, I crashed it... Oh, you found it?... That's good… Actually, I need a ride… uh-huh… I'll tell you when you arrive!… Right, okay, buh-bye!"

He grinned, pleased with the smoothness of the conversation. He was going to fight with Gannen, and this time, they were going to win the War of Scars together, then, they could catch up on all their lost brotherhood by becoming the besets dads _ever_… At least, that was the hopeful side of the plan, it was either that or dying at the hands of the vampaneze, Vancha knew which one _he_ preferred. He rushed off to get ready, though all he really needed were his shuirkens.

A few moments later, there was the sound of wheels outside, and he flitted out.

It was chilly outside, autumn was arriving and the leaves twirled and spun to the ground. The stars winked at Vancha, seemingly wishing him luck, he winked back. He saw the van and opened the door straight away. He waved at Diana's bemused face.

"Nice dress," he muttered with a fast glance at her glance.

Diana smiled, "You say that to everyone, Larten told me, you just look at a girls clothes for a second then throw her a compliment."

Vancha frowned, "He did? Oh…"

"No, he didn't, I just know your type. We haven't even met and you just jumped in the van like you own it."

"Oh yeah right, Prince Vancha March at your service Ma'am, where's the War of Scars?" asked Vancha.

Diana raised an eyebrow at him, "…You really don't know?" Vancha shrugged.

"Just drive," he pointed at the road absent-mindedly. The van rode for quite some time, and Vancha drifted back into his dream full of pig/Debbie/Vampaneze things, but not for long. The movement stopped and Vancha opened his eyes to a bloody battlefield full of fierce warriors.

Diana nodded at the fighters, "Well? What are you waiting for? This is it."

Vancha stared "Are you _sure_? Vampire's don't_ usually _fight like this you know."

Diana nodded again, "I know, this old man, Sebo or Seta or something, told me. You prefer to fight small battles, to stay hidden from humans. Which is why it confused me so much that you asked for THE battle, I thought you knew."

He realised he had been a bit vague, but that didn't matter, he had questions now. "Wait… So this isn't the battle? It's not a very funny joke, you know," he paused for a second, letting a thought strike him, "Or…" he gulped, "This isn't the only one, is it?"

Diana shook her head, "It IS the battle, and it's the only battlefield, don't worry, it's just, you know, Desmond decided on one big battlefield."

The Prince sighed, "Not him again…".

Diana frowned, but he just walked off towards the battlefield, looking for some vampaneze to attack. Ducky was really going to hit someone hard tonight.

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><p><strong>*clears throat* Yes, you've guessed it, I'm going to ask for reviews again.<strong>

**Ahem...**

**REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. ********

********You wanna know what makes me REALLY mad? When people follow me and I'm all "Ooooh! THANKS! ^_^" and then… NO REVIEWS. DAMN YOU GUYS! You're reading my stories, and since you followed me, you probably enjoyed them, so leave me something I can enjoy too, okay? DX  
>REEVVIIIIEEEEW!<strong>******


	13. Vancha Has Another Plan

**Vancha has another plan**

Vancha spotted Gannen in the middle of the fields, he was surrounded by a small cluster of vampaneze and vampires. The last time he'd seen him was ages ago, a few years at least. They had parted ways to gather supporters for the alliance of vampaneze and vampires and he hadn't seen him since. These few years had aged Gannen, although the transformation was due more to the stress and gained maturity than actual age. He fought off a lot of vampires, but strangely, very few vampaneze, even those in the enemy team. Vancha wondered if the vampaneze still respected him or if they thought they could rally him to their cause if they spared him.

He ran towards him, fending off attacks in all directions as he went.

"Why, it's my dear brother! I've missed you so much!" yelled Gannen over the shrieks of the combat as he saw Vancha approach. He held his nose. "Urgh, you don't seem to have washed since I last saw you though."

Vancha didn't care, he hugged his brother and grinned. He looked over Gannen's shoulder and saw a vampire running towards them with an axe in his arms. Vancha threw Ducky at him

"What happened? I heard you were dead!" said Gannen in surprise, as he turned around to face the attackers.

"I don't have much time to... TAKE THAT YOU SON OF AN UGLY WOMAN...", Vancha was interrupted by a vampaneze running up to him with a huge sword, but ended the distraction with a well-placed kick, "explain, but Evanna teleported... oh it all gets rather confusing... But you're in a slightly different world here..."

The battlefield was really confusing. It was hard to tell who was on who's side. There were three groups. Vampires who did not want to be allies with vampaneze, vampaneze who did not want to be allies with vampires and the allies.

Vancha examined the way they were fighting. He realised that the non-allied vampires only attacked the vampaneze, and the other way round was true as well. No one could be sure of who was who. This battle had no leaders, it was doomed to fail. They were in small numbers, but all things considered, they did have an advantage... But Vancha March was not a prince for nothing, he was in his element. He could already feel the beginnings of a plan emerging.

"Gannen?" he called over the screams of warriors. He saw an annoying vampaneze running towards him and blinded him with a spit-ball to the eye.

"Yes, Vancha?" Gannen yelled back. He was fending off some heavily armoured vampires with some difficulty and was having trouble concentrating on that task.

"Do you have some place we could run to, to discuss tactics with our soldiers?"

Gannen took a while to respond. "Uh, yeah but we can't really go now..." He flipped one of the men over, picked him up by the legs and used him to whack another man in the face.

"I'll deal with that!" Vancha called back. He considered the problem carefully. He needed a distraction. Something that would work on all the non-allied forces. Something so clever that even Napoleon would applaud it as being an amazing tactic. He thought and thought and thought and threw ducky at a couple of people and thought. Then he knew what to do. It rang clearly in his head like a bell. THIS PLAN COULD NOT FAIL!

He stood up on a mole-hill and called out over the field. "Mighty warriors! Stop all that you are doing!" Everyone stopped. A few people even dropped their weapons. One man's jaw fell and his gum rolled out as well. "There is a beautiful young woman handing out free chocolates to all non-allied forces just on the other side of that hill over there!" He waited until everyone had run off to get their supply of chocolate. It is obvious that everyone likes chocolate. Free chocolate is rare, but no one protests when such delicacies are offered.

"HAHAHAHAHA! That, my friends, was a brilliantly constructed lie, devised by one that has power over words and writing. Now, allied forces, we must run to base to discuss tactics before the others realise they have been fooled."

The entire crowd applauded as they ran. It truly was a marvellous scheme, only a genius could understand the true power of chocolate.

The base was quite a distance away, they had to run around a rather large hill to get there. Vancha was suddenly struck by the hills. The road he had come on entered a valley surrounded by about six hills. There was an eerie familiarity about the hills, but he tried not to dwell on it. It made him feel uncomfortable. They trudged through a small forest, equipment getting stuck in the trees and Vancha spitting at the annoying insects. Eventually, they got to a rather large clearing.

In the middle of the clearing was an extinguished campfire. Around it were huge racks covered in equipment and chainmail. There were some women from SV who were tending to wounded vampirates. There were rations in crates, and from the smell, it was clear that a vegetarian would have a bad time here. There were heated cabinets, kept at 37 degrees celsius to keep blood in.

The warriors settled down on the grass and stones around the place. It was clear to them that Vancha had a plan, he didn't even need to call for silence. Everyone was listening attentively. A closer look at the crowd surprised him, he had not realised how many vampirates had joined their ranks, fighting for a peace between vampires and vampaneze. Most looked like war veterans that had fallen through some bad times, some were missing a leg.

He cleared his throat unnecessarily for emphasis. "Ahem, I have a strategy to win this." He spat in his hand and ran it through his hair nervously, "The problem here is that no one knows who is fighting who. The vampires don't know who is on whose side because we all have different armour, there is no uniform. So the others have the advantage because all the other vampires KNOW that any vampaneze definitely isn't on their team, and the other way round is true as well, right? Who's with me?"

There was a murmur of agreement throughout the crowd. Someone farted.

"But, we do have an advantage. We can all add a tiny detail to our amour, a streak of dirt in strange spot for example, and we will know AT A GLANCE who is on our side. Then, and I am really sorry about this, we will have to fight our own. Vampires against vampires, vampaneze against vampaneze. They will not know how to differentiate us from them, but we will. So we will have the element of surprise. Rather than being on the defensive, we can start some surprise attacks and multiply our chances of winning."

He saw the look of absolute jaw-dropping shock on Gannen's face. If he had been eating gum, it would have rolled out of his mouth.

"What? I can have smart ideas too, ya know."

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><p><strong>Shut up, I get it. More than a year without any updates. You all probably gave up on this. I'm sorry, I really am.<strong>

**O.O update please?**


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